So apparently, musslemen like to clearly articulate their motives and objectives in a jihad mission statement… and that’s all I got. If I had a bomb strapped around my chest the last thing I’d be doing is making a grocery list, especially if Bob ‘Muhammed’ Barker had promised me that if I guessed the correct price of a jew toaster and then go all in on a game of plunko, ninety-nine virgins would be spread eagle behind door number one. There were one-hundred but you know Bob. Irregardless, if writing it down makes you feel better by all means be my guest. So full circle, mad-lib jihad manifesto. You know how it works. Oh and if you are reading this blog and your name is Ali or Osama, and you’re about to start whining like a minnaret tower, I don’t see no picture of Muhammaden so back the fuck up. And I didn’t mean to be impolite, assa lama linkum!
2. something you did in the bathroom (ending in -ed)
3. favorite old school wrestler
4. your favorite dessert
5. favorite mythical creature native to the United States northwestern region – plural
6. bad habit
7. your favorite childhood toy
8. Star War’s characters’ name
9. former Alaskan governor
10. female virtue
11. fast food restaurant
12. illegal drug
13. favorite Law and Order character
15. favorite dance
16. body part
17. domesticated animal
18. childhood disease (have fun with this one)
19. common do it yourself project
20. collaborative rap group
21. common name for people who live in Mexico
22. non-verbal salutation
23. another name for butt
24. professional football team
25. i say Graceland you say (possessive)
26. a felony that will get you life with no parole
27. favorite sexual position
All these _____1_____ ____2____ by the Americans are a clear declaration of war on ___3___, his messenger, and Muslim ____4____. And ___5___ have throughout Islamic history unanimously agreed that the ___6___ is an individual duty if the enemy destroys my _____7_____. This was revealed by ______8_______ in his interpretation, and _____9_____ in her books, where she said: “As for the fighting to repulse [an enemy], it is aimed at defending _____10______ and ____11____, and it is a duty as agreed by the clerics. Nothing is more sacred than ___12___ except repulsing an enemy who is attacking religion and life.” On that basis, and in compliance with __13__ order, we issue the following fatwa to all Muslims: The ruling to __14__ the Americans and their allies — civilians and military — is an individual duty for every Muslim who can __15__ in any country in which it is possible to do it, in order to liberate my _____16______ from their grip, and in order for their armies to move out of all the lands of Islam, defeated and unable to threaten any __17__. This is in accordance with the words of Almighty Allah, “and fight the pagans all together as they fight you all together,” and “fight them until there is no more tumult or ___18___, and there prevail justice and faith in Allah.” This is in addition to the words of Almighty Allah: “And why should ye not __19__ in the cause of Allah and of those who, being weak, are ill-treated — ______20______, whose cry is: ‘Our Lord, rescue us from this town, whose people are ___21___; and raise for us from thee one who will help!’” We call on every Muslim who believes in Allah and wishes to be rewarded to comply with Allah’s order to __22__ the Americans and plunder their ___23___ wherever and whenever they find it. We also call on leaders, youths, and the __24___to launch the raid on Satan’s U.S. troops and __25__ allies, and to __26__ those who are behind them so that they may learn to be truly a follower of Allah and take a strong _____27_____ position against evil.
Aight, that wasn’t as easy to make as it looks but it was ten times as fun.
QUESTION: So, why, for real, did General Lee surrender to General Grant at Appomattox Court House so many years ago? I realize we were getting our asses kicked pretty badly, but really? Did it help black folks, or were they just pawns in the game?
ANSWER: I grew up near that area, and here’s the deal. High Bridge runs through Rice, which is near Saylor’s Creek where the last battle was fought. The South was waiting for High Bridge to bring supplies. The Yankees took over both ends of the bridge and was gonna blow it up. The South ran, but they didn’t have food, bullets, nothing really. The Yankees were catching up, and basically gonna murder them all, so Robert E. Lee let it be known they would surrender at Appomattox, since that was the closest courthouse they were near to, so that there wouldn’t be an unfair bloodshed of the Yankees just shooting non-bullet half-starving Southerners. A buddy of my uncle lived in a house near High Bridge that used to be a War of Northern Aggression Hospital, you had to ride along the railroad tracks to get to it. That was one creepy-ass place. I used to just play in the yard, I didn’t like the house. As for blacks, yeah, it’s obvious it helped black people immensely, because now they’re mostly in jail instead of working real hard in a field where it’s hot. They get to lift weights in jail, and fuck white guys up the ass. They couldn’t do that when they were slaves.