Ali Bama Jihad…jUs+ MAD libBin’ It

madlibsDISCLAIMER: No minorities were hurt in the writing of this post. It is the same old social commentary that has been around for thousands of years.

post11Alright, so Mad Libs… hack writing at its purest form. Let’s use that in a sentence shall we. With Mad-Libs, idiots can now make their own stupid book just by filling in the blanks.

So apparently, musslemen like to clearly articulate their motives and objectives in a jihad mission statement… and that’s all I got. If I had a bomb strapped around my chest the last thing I’d be doing is making a grocery list, especially if Bob ‘Muhammed’ Barker had promised me that if I guessed the correct price of a jew toaster and then go all in on a game of plunko, ninety-nine virgins would be spread eagle behind door number one. There were one-hundred but you know Bob. Irregardless, if writing it down makes you feel better by all means be my guest. So full circle, mad-lib jihad manifesto. You know how it works. Oh and if you are reading this blog and your name is Ali or Osama, and you’re about to start whining like a minnaret tower, I don’t see no picture of Muhammaden so back the fuck up. And I didn’t mean to be impolite, assa lama linkum!

post121. vegetables

2. something you did in the bathroom (ending in -ed)

3. favorite old school wrestler

4. your favorite dessert

5. favorite mythical creature native to the United States northwestern region – plural

6. bad habit

7. your favorite childhood toy

8. Star War’s characters’ name

9. former Alaskan governor

10. female virtue

11. fast food restaurant

12. illegal drug

13. favorite Law and Order character

14. verb

15. favorite dance

16. body part

17. domesticated animal

18. childhood disease (have fun with this one)

19. common do it yourself project

20. collaborative rap group

21. common name for people who live in Mexico

22. non-verbal salutation

23. another name for butt

24. professional football team

25. i say Graceland you say (possessive)

26. a felony that will get you life with no parole

27. favorite sexual position

post11All these _____1_____ ____2____ by the Americans are a clear declaration of war on ___3___, his messenger, and Muslim ____4____. And ___5___ have throughout Islamic history unanimously agreed that the ___6___ is an individual duty if the enemy destroys my _____7_____. This was revealed by ______8_______ in his interpretation, and _____9_____ in her books, where she said: “As for the fighting to repulse [an enemy], it is aimed at defending _____10______ and ____11____, and it is a duty as agreed by the clerics. Nothing is more sacred than ___12___ except repulsing an enemy who is attacking religion and life.” On that basis, and in compliance with __13__ order, we issue the following fatwa to all Muslims: The ruling to __14__ the Americans and their allies — civilians and military — is an individual duty for every Muslim who can __15__ in any country in which it is possible to do it, in order to liberate my _____16______ from their grip, and in order for their armies to move out of all the lands of Islam, defeated and unable to threaten any __17__. This is in accordance with the words of Almighty Allah, “and fight the pagans all together as they fight you all together,” and “fight them until there is no more tumult or ___18___, and there prevail justice and faith in Allah.” This is in addition to the words of Almighty Allah: “And why should ye not __19__ in the cause of Allah and of those who, being weak, are ill-treated — ______20______, whose cry is: ‘Our Lord, rescue us from this town, whose people are ___21___; and raise for us from thee one who will help!’” We call on every Muslim who believes in Allah and wishes to be rewarded to comply with Allah’s order to __22__ the Americans and plunder their ___23___ wherever and whenever they find it. We also call on leaders, youths, and the __24___to launch the raid on Satan’s U.S. troops and __25__ allies, and to __26__ those who are behind them so that they may learn to be truly a follower of Allah and take a strong _____27_____ position against evil.

Aight, that wasn’t as easy to make as it looks but it was ten times as fun.

post12Q & A time but before the Q & A, here’s a clip that illustrates the hope that I have of reconciliation between Islamic folk and other human beings.

post11And here is the Q & A from the Confederate Mack.

QUESTION: So, why, for real, did General Lee surrender to General Grant at Appomattox Court House so many years ago? I realize we were getting our asses kicked pretty badly, but really? Did it help black folks, or were they just pawns in the game?

ANSWER: I grew up near that area, and here’s the deal. High Bridge runs through Rice, which is near Saylor’s Creek where the last battle was fought. The South was waiting for High Bridge to bring supplies. The Yankees took over both ends of the bridge and was gonna blow it up. The South ran, but they didn’t have food, bullets, nothing really. The Yankees were catching up, and basically gonna murder them all, so Robert E. Lee let it be known they would surrender at Appomattox, since that was the closest courthouse they were near to, so that there wouldn’t be an unfair bloodshed of the Yankees just shooting non-bullet half-starving Southerners. A buddy of my uncle lived in a house near High Bridge that used to be a War of Northern Aggression Hospital, you had to ride along the railroad tracks to get to it. That was one creepy-ass place. I used to just play in the yard, I didn’t like the house. As for blacks, yeah, it’s obvious it helped black people immensely, because now they’re mostly in jail instead of working real hard in a field where it’s hot. They get to lift weights in jail, and fuck white guys up the ass. They couldn’t do that when they were slaves.


draW Slowly…it’S +he GOOD sTUFF

Thirty-two years ago, a film was made, nay a way of life was given form that let me dream of one day having a wizard and archer as friends, being breed with the finest princesses, and cutting evil-doers snakes in half with a well-forged sword. Also my little sister recently moved even further way from me, something I had not been looking forward too. You may ask what these seemingly unrelated events have in common? Nothing until now…

post7The Misfit Warriors and The Ghost of the Forest

“Look out for Krom,” said Big Borther as the misfit warriors tiptoed down the stair.

“We won’t need Krom,” Little Sister said. “Not this trip.”

“I see you misfit warriors are on your way into the Great Spooky Forest for an overnight stay!”

“Krom! I hope you’ll excuse us,” said Big Brother “But this is a trip we’d rather not share.”

“It’s also a trip I’d rather not share. Me sleep with spooks? Krom laughs at your trip! Laughs from his mountain!”

“Spooks?” gasped the misfit warriors, not a little afraid.

“Spooks of all kinds! Two or three years ago it was just another Snake cult. Now?… Everywhere!”

“And boss of them all – the Ghost of the Wood! Call off the trip misfit warriors. I really and truly think you should!”

“Nonsense!” said Big Brother , sharpening his sword. “Spooks, indeed! Can you summon demons Krom! Hahahaha!”

“Krom’s just trying to give you a scare Little Sister. We’re off misfit warriors,” smiled Big Brother.

As the misfit warriors waved good-bye, Krom sneaked around and climbed the stair.

Then up to the attic to the old-rag box. What’s Krom up to, the sly old fox?

Sly Krom cut three holes in a sheet and turned himself into a ghost with giant feet.

“Krom gave me a bit of a fright. He said there are spooks and they come out at night!” said Little Sister.

“That’s nonsense! Now let me explain – THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS SPOOKS!” said Big Brother.

“Did I ever tell you about the riddle of steel little sister?” asked Big Brother .

“Just a million times,” sighed Little Sister.

So the misfit warriors went to setting up camp – raising the tent, filling the lamp, building the fire, getting it lit. Big Brother  took time to explore a bit, looking for wolves to chase him in a little game called Chased by Wolves, Kill the Wolves.

He had just found a long-dead king’s sword when he heard a voice in the weeds.

Chuckling and talking to himself was – you guessed it – Krom!

“This trick will be fun,” Krom said as he pulled the sheet over his head.

“Hm,” said Big Brother as he tiptoed away, “This is a game that two can play!”

Using mud and clay he started to make himself to what looked like a ghost warrior!

The misfit warriors told stories in the firelight. “What is best in life?” asked one of them.

“The open step, a freed horse, falcons at your wrist and the wind in your hair.”

“Wrong!! Little Sister, what is best in life?”

“Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentation of their women. At least that’s what Big Brother tells me.”

“That is good” Then they all bedded down for the night.

They heard it just as they started to doze. It frightened the misfit warriors from their heads to their toes.

“Who-o-o-o-o-o-o I am a ghost,” wailed Krom.

They ran to Big Brother’s tent but he wasn’t there.

“W-what shall we do?” cried Little Sister.

Then, a spookier spook came into sight, and gave the first ghost a terrible fright.

“I am the Ghost Warrior of the Forest”

And who did Spook Two turn out to be? Big Brother, of course.

Thats when they saw spook number three.


As the misfit warriors and Krom shivered and shook, Little Sister opened an eye and took a good look. She saw something strange: the giant Python had a robe on that looked exactly like… Thulsa Doom’s!!!

“Just having fun!”

The voice – it was Thulsa Doom’s. Then his snake head transformed into his man head. “Teaching Krom a lesson like this was just to good a chance to miss even though he deserves the Tree of Woe! Hahahahah!!!”

“It’s a triple spook lesson,” said Little Sister with a grin. “There are no such things! There never have been!”

“But just as sure as night follows day – you never know for sure!” said Big Brother. But that is a tale for another day.



Why Does There Have +o bE A sOUNDCHECK?


So when did you become Prince’s biggest fan? For me it dropped when I first heard Little Red Corvette. There’s nothing like a song about a one-night stand with a beautiful but promiscuous woman and her little red corvette…wink, wink. I had heard a few of his other songs at that point but I knew with that song, he and his music were different from everyone else. I was five at the time. I saw Purple Rain a few years later and from his opening “oo wee sha sha coo coo yeah”, it was lifelong. With the film and the album, I knew that I was going to get every Prince album that came out from that point forward. Let me wrap it up, I’m not an “old” Prince fan, I’m not a “new” Prince fan, I’m just a Prince fan!!!

So here’s Dave Chappelle’s tribute. I’ve seen it a thousand times and I laugh every single time so watch it! Just watch it!!!

So you think this visa black short is a pile of chappelle shit…guess who, in the bottom right hand corner??? It’s the baller formerly known as Prince.


post4So lately it seems I have been fixating on associative relationships and I love it. It feels good, it makes sense, and although I haven’t taken a photo, written a song or a telling quote, I have connected two seemingly unrelated things and collisions evoke creation. I’m not sure where to start so let’s start with the most important thing, the ladies. The following singers, placed in rough chronological order, effected me at some point in time in some way. So how did these ladies end up on this list today, the present to the now? Well, they are all hot, they all have attitude, they are all creative, and if any gave me a second glance, I would not hesitate asking her out for a late night run to Krispy Kreme donuts. The Second Bakery Attack by Haruki Murakami It begins with a recently married couple waking up in the dead of night with violent hunger cravings, and after confirming several times that they have no food in the house, the husband lets it slip that in his youth he and a friend once ‘robbed’ a bakery (they meant to, but the food was nearly given to them). The wife becomes incredibly intrigued, and eventually the two of them leave the house with masks and a shotgun to rob a bakery of their own, though they eventually settle for an empty McDonalds, from which they take 30 hamburgers. They get away scot-free, eat a few hamburgers and take the rest home, their bottomless stomachs mysteriously satisfied. His wife is in complete control, and doesn’t seem to mind at all. Winner, winner, chicken dinner. Will you stay or will you go now? Now some of the ladies will be waiting for you in the car while others juggle their values around to sit shotgun in a crime spree. Who cares, it’s foreplay baby. But I’ll designate them either Bonnie (as in Bonnie and Clyde) or Helen (as in Helen Keller), and for all you blind people reading this, I’m just using her as a point of reference. You could sign her into going, but Bonnie would mow that bitch down.
So in addition to that jump to light speed Chewie, I’m associating (or at least will try to associate) a math equation to each lovely lady. It won’t be a unified equation, but the equation I would be focusing on if that trip to Krispy Kreme ended with some Dunkin Donuts. Oh yeah, look up the equations yourself. It’s homework.


2p−1(2p−1) and she is the Queen of the Bonnie Tribe… damn you lead singer for Bush!!!


m*d y/dt + k *dy/dt + k *y = 0 and as much as I want her to be a Bonnie, I think she probably would be a Helen


P(A or B) = P(A) + P(B) – P(A and B) and definitely a Bonnie and she can bring her girlfriend too


Sr = 2Gm/c² and Bonnie, Bonnie, Bonnie, Goose


G=8πT and a Helen even though she talks tough, but really I don’t know if we’d even make it out the door.


2,2=69 and a Helen, a Helen Epstein


F – 32) x 5/9 = °C and a Helen but she’ll keep her legs apart and she loves a Big Mac


unknown and a Helen or maybe a Bonnie, I don’t know I can’t figure this broad out


If a = b, and b = c, then a = b and another Helen and I’m not sure if I’d trust her as the lookout but something tells me she wouldn’t wait to get home to put a big Ronald McDonald smile on my face


E=MC2 and we’re ordering pizza


(0 kelvin or −273.15°C) I have searched the internet top to toe to find info on Puka and nothing, she could live next door or she could be an angel in the ever after, don’t care, I can picture her however I want, she’s the girl in front of me at the store, or the one in the car next to me, or the cheerleader at the high school football game (she failed 8th grade and just turned 18) Feigned innocence. She’s all of them and none of them.


D.igitalH.egemonE.volution – Words & Pictures

Step right up, step right up… Be amazed, be enchanted, be mystified, be amused…. For today you will see every creature ever imagined by your mind and heart. Some will make you laugh. With some you will cry. But it is my hope that these words will grant you passage to the greatest depths of your own soul. In them we will be reminded of our own many faces. Our happy faces with painted smiles. Our sad faces with stubborn frowns. Faces of hope. Faces of fear. Faces of child-like joy. Faces that show our years. Today I wish to present the great clowns of life. Not Ringling Bros. or other famous clowns. But those clowns who are in your life. Who you work with. Who are at home. Who are sitting next to you right now. For it is the clowns that often show us how deeply, and how varied, it feels to be part of this great, big wonderful circus called life. I am the ringmaster. Enjoy the show!!!